Friday, March 30, 2012

To sleep or not to sleep

Princess Rose has a cold right now so she has been waking up more at night, which means less sleeping for me. Every time she wakes me up, it takes me a while to fall back asleep. Plus I sometimes have trouble falling asleep at the beginning of the night anyway.

On Wednesday night I was so tired and still hadn't been able to fall asleep at 1 am so I took a sleeping pill (half the dosage). Needless to say, I was able to fall asleep again each time she woke me.

And I was also able to sleep again after she woke up at 7 am. I continued to sleep, and Raimo watched Rose until I finally got up at 9:30 to feed her breakfast, bathe her, and put her down for a nap, after which I went back to sleep until 11:30.

I continued to feel super drowsy for the rest of the day, even after a shower and trip to the mall. I felt like the muscles in my face were just droopy, and my brain was totally fried!!! I could not function. I was so doped up.

No more sleeping pills for me for a while!!!!

Monday, March 26, 2012

Dating Diaries 11

I have been looking forward to writing this one. His name is David. Did you know David means "beloved"? And he was... at least by me. We were both freshman at BYU, in the same ward (Adam was in it too). He was one of five boys in the ward known as the Henderson boys, so I guess that was probably how I first knew who he was. I honestly can't remember how it happened but we spent a fall afternoon lounging out on the grass at Helaman Halls getting to know each other. There were leaves all over the ground and one of them (I think he gave it to me?) ended up in my Book of Mormon. I kept that withered, cracking leaf in my Book of Mormon for years until it was only a stem. It's still there.

I asked David to preference. It was the first time I ever took a guy on a date--not really my style, and I much prefer to be asked. But I liked him right away. I liked how much I connected with him. I felt like we had a lot of strong characteristics in common. He is independent, confident, smart, stubborn, driven, and doesn't follow the crowd. Of course he had his softer side too, but he is a bold personality and for some reason it really appealed to me.

With David, it was all about highs and lows. I never had another relationship quite like it. The good times were amazing and the bad times were awful. It was rarely in the middle for me. We had some really terrible fights, but when he wasn't frustrating me he was busy romancing the heck out of me. One day I came home to 3 dozen roses on my bed. Yes, he liked to go a little over the top, and I loved it. He then texted me: If I could see you that happy every day, I'd give you 36 roses every day for the rest of my life. I felt giddy about David, and it was so exciting to feel so much for someone. Because of that, I actually felt quite vulnerable while dating him. Technically, we dated for less than a year. But when I think about that time together, it feels so much bigger. My journal entries from that time flip-flop from extreme happiness to so unhappy I actually had stomach aches.

My freshman year of college was a very spiritual, testimony building year for me, and as David was new to the church, he was always struggling with putting God first in his life (or at least that's what I remember). After having so many boyfriends that were lukewarm in their testimony, I was really just ready to have one who could be strong and have faith on his own and, for crying out loud, be strong for me once in a while.

David drove down to California during Christmas break to be with me for a little while. I was very excited for him to be there on my birthday. Actually it was one of my best adult birthdays. We went to Newport beach, ate at the Crab Cooker, and did some other fun things that I can't remember. But it was a beautiful, fun day. I have another memory of sitting with David on a hill on campus. The weather was perfect and we were just happy, enjoying each other's company. We could be goofy together, but I also liked how intelligent he was and how that challenged me.

We also spent a weekend at his parent's house. We walked around the strip, went to see the Vegas temple, visited with his parents, cuddled, ate artichokes dipped in mayonnaise, and I slept in his sister's flowery room (amazingly, I never met his sister, who lived in Salt Lake). I loved that time with him.

I loved David. I had said goodbye to a lot of mission-bound boyfriends, but as my mom pointed out, I cried pretty hard over this one. And I didn't cry over anyone else. Marc came home after he left, I went out with Matt, saw some old boyfriends at their graduation, but I was actually still thinking about David. This is the only missionary I felt this way about. David called me from his mission a few times, and it made me uncomfortable that he chose to do that, and it also made me miss him all over again. His letters that summer were pretty incredible. He loved me, he loved my family, he loved my grandparents, he wanted to know all about everyone and every thing I did. We thought we would eventually get married.

Around August, David came home. I was shocked since I had prepared myself to not see him for 2 years. I was also afraid that he was using 'medical reasons' as an excuse to either come back to see me, or to just get away from a physically and emotionally exhausting mission. I still do not know if I judged him too quickly, or if it was really that necessary for him to come home. I sent him one last letter, and then saw him back at BYU, but I remember feeling nothing but disappointment. And disenchantment. Again, I felt those previous concerns of him needing me to carry him along in his faith. Now that it's been 6 years and now that I have some new perspectives, I wonder if a mission was a good idea for such a new member. He had only been a member for a year or two, after all. He also had no support from his family--in fact, they disowned him completely and tried to dissuade him from having anything to do with the church. I was pretty much the only person he had in his life at one point.

We never dated again. I haven't seen him in a very long time. We stayed in touch through facebook, and I found out he did lose his faith eventually. I tried to talk to him about it from afar, which seriously affected me. I cared about him, still felt for him, and wanted everything to work out for him. It actually plagued me beyond our conversation--I worried about him and missed him. And to this day I still wonder if he is the same person or if life is taking him in a totally different direction. I learned a lot from this relationship, and he is someone who affected me forever.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Fun With Friends

I think this will be the beginning of a new series in which I chronicle some memories of my friends and make sense of some friendships in my life.

I have always been the kind of person who only needs/wants a best friend. I never really cared about having a whole fleet of friends around me, just as long as I had "my person" that I could call anytime, laugh with, do anything with, and be myself with. I didn't care to be close to people who weren't happy hanging out just the two of us. "My person" changed from time to time, but most of the time I had that one person that I would always call to take on my family trips or to have a sleep-over with or to spend my birthday lunch with. Then one day "my person" wasn't a girl. And he became my husband. I think it is pretty common for newly married couples to spend less time with their other friends and to be completely immersed in their own world. This was definitely the case for me--for those first few years I felt like I had everything I needed in Raimo--didn't really care whether we hung out with friends or by ourselves. He is my best friend, and I am totally content to just spend all my time with him. But I have noticed a very significant shift in my life in the last few months. Maybe it had to do with coming out of hibernation after having a newborn baby.. I don't know. All I know is that all of a sudden I am needing friends. Of course Raimo is still my person. But I want more! I think I have shifted away from the one-friend thing to the fleet. I pick up the phone and call old friends to chat now, I make an effort to do things with new friends, I make a concerted effort to do service for people I care about, I try to keep in contact with people who move away. It is weird for me to be reaching past my one person. I think I am braver and more confident in meeting people. I think I'm not so concerned about controlling what others think of me. I think it's a good time in my life for this since I really do have a lot more time on my hands (finally). It is a pretty significant change not only in my life, but in my actual personality. One of the benefits is that I glean/gain/learn/enjoy different things about each of my friends. Some of you readers are my internet friends, some of you are my phone friends, some of you are my hang out friends, some of you are friends I barely know, some of you are friends I know very very well. I appreciate each and every relationship for what it is. And chances are, I want to hear from you or see you more often.

I feel giddy

when I get in the car by myself, no baby in tow (only happened maybe 3 times in the last 8 months). Drive all by myself with music. Sing. Feel carefree. Just drive anywhere I want to no crying no binky no toys to pass back just singing and air conditioning mountains in the distance. Beautiful spring weather which is so unusual. Love it. Yesterday was a beautiful day--maybe I will tell you all the reasons. Some. other. time.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Dating Diaries 10

This story begins with Adam. He was the first guy I met at BYU. And for him, it was love at first sight. But not for me. Before I knew it, there were rumors swirling about the ward of us being an item. And I was not happy. I really enjoyed Adam and we definitely connected right away, but I remember wanting everyone to know that I was indeed single because I was excited about dating in college and meeting new guys. Well, Adam continued to be a big part of my freshman year despite the fact that we never were totally official.

Adam planned some wonderful dates for the two of us, including a night at the symphony, dinner on The Roof in Salt Lake, little trips to his parents' house. The best was walking to his sister's apartment south of campus, picking up her car, and going for a drive in the night. He was totally in love with me. He might have been even more in love with me than David, who was the one I ended up dating that year. Adam and I spent a lot of late nights talking and talking. He somehow turned up with a pint of ice cream for me whenever things weren't going well (with David). I was always astonished by the things he would choose to do like waking up at 4 am to play racquetball (for fun), going running (for fun), studying for long hours in the library (by choice)... he did a lot of things that to me were totally crazy, but made him happy. 

I wanted to like Adam--he totally made sense, and I went back and forth about how I felt about him. Regardless, being good friends (sometimes with benefits) with Adam was really important that year. It was hard for me to be on my own, as exciting as it was, and it was a defining year. It pushed me to be more brave and confident and self-disciplined and so many other things. Adam was an outstanding person and a great example for me. We stayed in touch through his mission--in fact, when I was studying in England, we ended up sending each other emails at exactly the same time of day! It was exciting to be on the same side of the world again, and we were able to email back and forth for a couple of minutes as though we were actually conversing. I wrote him all the way up to my engagement just a few months before his return. Raimo says, from the things I've said about him, that he would have made a great husband for me. Funny, eh? They have never met.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

hello Zumba people

Well, I love Rumba and I love... to zoom?? So I think it just makes sense that I would really love Zumba. Really, I want to try it. But can I do it somewhere without getting a gym membership? Help me, my zumba people. I would like to try it out but have little to no long-term commitment. It would need to be near Murray.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Pardon my absence...

I've been on vacation. In Riverside to be exact. It was glorious. Every time, I think to myself that I am not going to come back. But then I think of Raimo and I think... yes, I love him more, so I do want to go back to my little home. But it is so nice to see my family and to wear sandals in March and to walk around outside and to put my baby girl in shorts and dresses. I flew down with Rose (always a stressful event, trying to keep her within our allotted two square feet of space with minimal crying) and two suitcases, a stroller, carseat, and bag. Whew.

I sang "All I Ask of You" with my little brother ('little' no longer) in his spring concert, and it was really fun to be on that stage again. I miss singing!

Rose enjoyed visiting her doting grandparents, uncles, and great-grandmas. She loves attention--will smile at anyone who will even look at her. I enjoyed stretching out in my sister's queen bed all by myself. [Raimo and I have a double--very cozy ;) but not so good for stretching out. ] Rose slept like a champ, which is unusual for her in a new bed. Hooray!

Our apartment is slowly but surely coming together. It is fun for me to put it all together and "play house". I still love our place, love having two floors, love having Rose in her own room, love having all my beautiful kitchen stuff in my own kitchen cupboards to use whenever I want to. 

My stats tell me that people all over the world are reading my blog. How weird and cool. I guess I just want to say hi! Nice to meet you.

I'm working on the dating diaries. More to come!

Monday, March 12, 2012

Dating Diaries 9

I got to know Matt in unique setting--we were building houses in Mexico with our church youth program, and we just happened to be in the same group or "family" (we were the big brother and sister in our family). I had seen Matt at other youth activities, but it wasn't until we were working alongside each other, nailing boards together, wearing matching t-shirts and bandannas, that I actually talked to him for the first time. Matt is easy to like. He is good-natured, well-spoken, chivalrous, kind, intelligent, and extremely driven and hard-working. We had a wonderful time on that trip, and our 'parents' kind of hinted and teased that we should date. Matt was never particularly forward though, and I honestly never knew quite what he thought about me. We did, however, go out on some dates and have some really fun times together.

We made a lot of trips to Cold Stone, played baseball in the backyard... and went on dates. My favorite date was a perfect evening in Palm Springs. We took in the view on the aerial tram, enjoyed the cool air at the top, and trekked around the trails. As I hiked around, getting dirt in my sandals, Matt kept me going with promises of a nice dinner to follow. And he delivered, taking me out for a really delicious meal at a fancy restaurant. The thing that made the night so special was just talking and laughing and holding hands while we walked. Before heading home, we drove out into the dark desert to wait for a meteor shower, which unfortunately never turned up, but that didn't really matter because it was the waiting that was so great.

We went out on dates, but I always got the feeling he was doing it just to go on a date. I honestly didn't think he liked me, though he must have at least liked hanging out with me. We emailed during college and got together sometimes when we were both back at home. Westpoint seemed to change him drastically, or at least it changed his demeanor and outlook. He seemed even more focused, even more disciplined, and I felt even further away from him. I am sure that was more of a phase of his life and that he has settled into a more normal, social lifestyle since then, but I could not understand how he endured such a controlled  two years there! He has mental stamina unlike anyone else I know. It also really stuns me that Matt is not married yet since he is the kind of guy mormon girls love. The only things that could possibly have prevented this so far (just guessing here) include: 1) he is completely and wholly focused on his personal goals, which include but are not limited to becoming a neurologist! 2) he is totally clueless about the girls who are crushing on him/would love for him to take them out. Yes, I think he is totally clueless as to how many girls thought he was cute in high school. Maybe he didn't even know how much liked him. I felt like most of our relationship was carried on by me and my emails and such.

I know he will achieve every dream he has set for himself. And one day (maybe when some girl takes matters into her own hands) he will make her extremely happy.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Current Events

Currently eating: German Chocolate Cake ice cream

Currently Netflixing: 90210, The Hills, Heroes (Raimo mostly), America's Funniest Home Videos (all Raimo. Why do boys like watching people fall down?)

Currently painting: a headboard white and a side table teal

Currently wishing: to reconnect with a particular friend

Currently planning: on buying Rose an exersaucer

Currently loving: the warm weather

Currently Rose: is getting her first tooth!

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

8 Months

-Pulls herself around the room on her belly
-Stands on all fours
-Sleeps 7-6
-Sticks out her tongue
-Frequently holds out her pointer finger for no reason at all
-Smiles at me. All the time!! She looks up at me from the floor and just smiles so big--she is a mama's girl
-Takes 1 or 2 naps-always a little different on the times and lengths
-When I go into the kitchen, about 3 or 4 minutes later she will show up on her little belly. She is very social and likes to be with us!
-Sits up but only when forced. She hates it
-Still moves her right hand like Lina Lamont when she sings Singing in the Rain


-I call her princess Rose
-Still loves milk more than anything else
-Wears size 2 diapers
-Wears 3-6 month, 6 month, and sometimes 6-9 month clothes
-She smiles so big when I put her in the car seat. What a change!
-She just barely grew into her "newborn" ballet slippers
-She celebrated by pooping in her pink tub for the first time

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Dating Diaries 6

Are you getting tired of these??


He was never my boyfriend. He dated one of my girlfriends for most of high school, but we did hang out in groups or at his house sometimes. He lived a few streets away from my grandparents' house, so he came over to visit me there a few times. My grandpa called him "Danny boy". They were good pals, and had the Idaho connection since Grandpa was born there and Daniel went to Pocatello on his mission. Daniel was super huge, super fun, and someone I could be really goofy with. We would jam at the piano for fun and mess around at youth events and just have fun together. When I think of my memories of him, I picture the two of us just laughing and laughing together.

Daniel never took the leap to ask me on a real date in high school. It was more of a friendship at the time, however we wrote during his mission and when he came home we did spend some time together. He was still acting strange as a newly returned missionary just getting back into the swing of things, and hanging out together wasn't as easy as it had been before. Around that time, his brother actually took me on a date (which I don't think was that great for either of us). Later that night Daniel showed up at my house after the date. He could probably have picked a better night to do this. We took a walk around the block, and after much dilly-dallying, he finally told me how he felt. But the timing wasn't very good--I didn't feel the way I had before. And so, after a lot of years of flirting and hanging out together, nothing ever happened.


We were also never officially boyfriend and girlfriend. In fact, we never went out on a real date. But he seems significant enough that I need to share a few memories. We were in choir together, both chamber singers and show choir, and so we saw a lot of each other in high school. There were a lot of things I liked about him: how kind he was to everyone, how he had a strong conviction about God like me, how he was a great singer, how he was really tall and cute. There was a time when we started talking with each other about our religions--we kind of went back and forth over the phone one night. I remember really wanting him to understand and see truth in my beliefs, and I'm sure he felt the same about his own. I think this kept us from ever dating--we were both so involved in our own churches and wanted to share that with whomever we dated. I also felt like his parents didn't want him spending too much time with me. A few times I went over to his house to listen to him jam with his friends or play with his 11 younger siblings. Yes, I also appreciated the fact that he loved little kids as much as me. All my dating life I was searching for a family man.

Did I tell you he wrote me a song for my birthday? He did. My best friend threw me a surprise birthday party when I turned 18. I think I was still dating Robbie at this point, but at that party Stevie got out his guitar and sang the song for me. I died. So sweet. So up my alley. And later that semester, when we were flying out to New York, we actually sat by each other on the plane ride over. It was totally exciting and we might have been snuggling or something, until the woman (a stranger) sitting on the other side of me started giving us this sermon about chastity/not letting my boyfriend push me into anything. I have no idea where this came from as we were not even dating and both cared very much about virtue. We never talked to each other about that strange experience. It kind of killed the rest of the plane ride. I didn't see much of Stevie on the trip after that. He was usually surrounded by other girls all the time anyway (a few specific ones that probably had crushes on him too).

There was one kiss. It was totally unexpected. And unexpectedly good. I went over to his house, and somehow he was the only one there. All the details are a little foggy as to exactly when or how it came about-- I didn't write about it in my journal until much later. He didn't have a shirt on and it was so quiet in the house. It was probably the only time the two of us were ever totally alone, and it just happened all of a sudden. But it was a real kiss, as in a kiss that really made me feel things. This really didn't happen often for me. It caught me so off guard and it was like all of our unexpressed feeling for each other went into just those couple of minutes. It was a Notebook kind of kiss where he picked me up with ease, and suddenly we're moving about the house. Even thinking about it now, I can remember that excitement and surprise running all through me.

We never acknowledged what happened or talked about our feelings, which seems really weird to me now. Why ever not?? I liked to imagine what we would have been like together--probably a modern VonTrapp duo, only with more religious themes and church-going.

I love that movie.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

It feels so nice

to step back into my little home after being out and about on a very cold, windy day. My face still feels a little numb and my hands are a little hot--my body is overcompensating for the freezing temperatures. Little Rose is army crawling around the room, and I'm trying not to cringe over the fact that the floor needs vacuuming (sorry, baby girl!) But I have a couple of new pieces of thrifted furniture that I'm excited about, and I think a little Kardashians and hot stew are in order. Saturdays are the best!!!
What do you like about Saturday??

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Miss you, Michael!!

I had never seen this video. Michael is so cute with his long hair!! Love his little smile and sweet moves.

Dating Diaries 5

I was inspired by another blogger, Cjanerun, who wrote about 5 of her past loves. Each story was so different and so beautiful, and in each story she reflected on how that person had influenced her. I find relationships very interesting, and I think you can learn a lot about yourself through dating and friendships. With it being February, love has been on my mind lately and I've been remembering some pretty great valentines-of-the-past as well as some great people I got to date (there have been a lot of them). I think I'd like to take a little look back on some of the loves of my youth. Maybe this will get interesting! This blog could use a little spicing up, after all!

I met Robbie at a fireside at our bishop's house. He had just moved to Riverside from Washington, and we both liked each other right away--we visited quite a bit that night, and before long we were dating. He was a year younger than me, but it didn't matter to me at all. I could joke around with him and have a good time, plus he was cute and really tall and big. He played on our high school football team. If there was anything he loved more than me, it was football. I went to a lot of his games, and he would come to my music stuff. It's too bad I wasn't doing cheer anymore because that would have been really fun to be on the field together.

Robbie and I not only dated, but had a really good friendship as well. We could just relax at home and have a great time together. We spent a lot of nights just watching movies, cuddling on the couch.

I know Robbie sincerely cared about me. Though a lot of our time together was pretty simple, once in a while he would do something extraordinary. One time I mentioned to him that I wished people still treated dates the way they did in old times, getting dressed up and showing respect and decorum. He showed up for our next date to the movies wearing a suit. Another great date was seeing Les Mis in San Diego with his parents--it was one of the most breath-taking nights of my life hearing all that beautiful music live for the first time. We went out to a fancy restaurant where the food was just divine. I really enjoyed his parents and spent a lot of time at their house my senior year.

We also went to midwinter together. I wore my favorite dress ever--it was fitted and rouched with ivory silky material and had some ruffles down at the bottom. We had a fun night, but honestly I had more fun with Robbie when we were one-on-one. It wasn't my favorite formal dance.

Though Robbie and I went to the same church, he was always back and forth about whether he really believed in it. It is the number one thing that made me fall out of like with him and most of my high school boyfriends. I was holding out for a guy who I could share that part of my life with. It got old always encouraging them to find their faith and it wasn't very attractive to me. While it was easy to let go of our dating, it was sad losing a really good friend. Unfortunately, there was a lot of animosity between us afterward and that was kind of how our friendship ended.

Over spring break of my senior year, my choir got to go on a trip to New York. It was my first trip to the Big Apple, and I enjoyed getting to experience it with so many friends. While it was Stevie that I had a crush on, another friend, Chris, started to get my attention during the trip. He was Filipino and a total sweetheart. I had never even thought of Chris before then--he dated another girl through most of high school (she was actually one of the cheerleaders I was always hoisting up over my head). So while it was a total surprise to realize I liked him, it was a good surprise. When we got home, we were boyfriend and girlfriend and had such a fun summer together.

Chris was a really wonderful boyfriend--he did all the things girls wish their boyfriends would do. He would plan everything out, and we'd have these wonderful dates. We went to senior prom together, and had such a wonderful time and danced the night away. We also regularly spent time with both of our families. Chris would sometimes just come over to my house to play nintendo or throw the baseball around with my brothers--I liked any boyfriend that took a real interest in my family, so I really appreciated that about him. At his house, we would go swimming or do karaoke with his parents. To my delight, he started working at a sushi bar and I would go visit him and have him make me delicious sushi rolls. :) We went to Disneyland, went dancing, went to the movies, and just played and played. Since I was completely done with high school and my responsibilities, I was able to just enjoy life before college started up. It was my favorite summer ever.  

For one of our last dates that summer, he took me to Irvine Spectrum and we had a really nice dinner, shopped for clothes, got Golden Spoon, and rode the ferris wheel (I was terrified). After that we went down to the beach and played around on the lifeguard tower. It was a really romantic, fun night. When it came time for me to leave for BYU, we talked about taking turns visiting each other from afar. Despite our good intentions, once I got to BYU I was completely immersed in a whole new world and realized what a separate, exciting life I still had ahead of me. Our relationship didn't last long-distance. Chris had actually said to me that he'd be willing to get baptized in my church if that was important to me. I thought that was an amazing gesture, greater than maybe any other from a boy in high school. It was incredibly generous. I'm sure he didn't quite realize all that joining my church entailed and how much it affects every single part of my life. I appreciated how willing he was to not drink or party when we were dating--he was an example to me of being willing to be flexible for someone you care about, something that I have needed to embrace and learn in my marriage! Chris is one of the few guys I dated that I still consider a friend and like catching up with every so often.

P.S. Chris was one of the best kissers