Friday, April 11, 2014

Happy Saturday

F- fills
I- inner
N- need
N- nightly

R- rises
O- optimistically
S- singing
E-  early

F- flatulates
I- impulsively
N- nearing
N- night

R- rages
O- over
S- something
E- eensy

Played Nintendo tonight, as in the original Nintendo that came out in 1987. My birth year. I never played super Mario before. I like it. I can see how people get obsessed- you just want to win! Maybe I will play Nintendo while Raimo's at work. Well my Mario is always suicidal. Just jump off a cliff, why don't you! No, I did okay for my first time. But the cliffs! And the turtles!

Here's a little pooh bear for your enjoyment
Ooooo the yawn!!!

He pooped in the tub that day. So. Gross! Had to move like lightning and get him out of there.

Monday, April 7, 2014


On Monday last week we were trying to have family night. This was another new year's resolution of mine: that we would at least have a song and prayer. Because that seemed doable with Rose. Well, even that can prove challenging. But we added a 2 minute discussion about our body being a temple. We started with a picture of the temple and asked her what it was. Then we asked why it was special. We told her it's Jesus' house, and she excitedly said, "Jesus wants me for a Christ-beam!" Then we tried to talk about our body being a temple (we had to define "body" for her). By the time we got to our bodies being temples, she was gone. We'll have to figure out a way to make an impact in less than 30 seconds.

I also love that she has started saying "of course" and she doesn't quite know how to use it. She'll just tack it onto the end of any old sentence. It's so funny. "You can play it of course. You may." She's also been using "fantastic," "impossible," "fabulous," and I've noticed some phrases from her books- "you never see" (from Pickle Things).

It is so amazing how quickly Rose can forgive. It might be just a few minutes after being put in time out or getting in trouble- she'll have the biggest tantrum, and she'll come and give me a kiss on the knee or the forearm or someplace unexpected. 

After General Conference, they showed some footage of everyone leaving- she said they're all going to nursreet! Aka nursery. She also happened to ask, "What's his name?" We said Elder Christofferson. She said Christoph! Nothing like bringing Frozen references into Conference. Her favorite. She was also kind of amazed when the choir sang A Child's Prayer, which we sing often to her at night. Like, someone else knows this song too?? She is going to love singing time next year.

I have started including her in dinner prep, and she loves being involved. I had hopes that it will make her more interested in eating what she cooks. She says mmm! Delicious! as she adds ingredients, even though they are ingredients she would never eat.

I couldnt wait for all the sickness to be over so we could go on some walks and visit friends. I have been so worried about Finn. I took him to the doctor twice because he kept getting worse, and he's just so tiny. He was wheezing and coughing a really deep chesty cough. But his lungs sounded the way they were supposed to at the doctor's and none of the signs of serious illness were present, so we went back home and kept nursing, sucking his nose with the bulb, using saline drops, and sleeping (or NOT) with him in my arms. We have been watching way too much tv around here. Daniel Tiger, Barney, Pingu, and much much more. Thankfully this week they are pretty much all better. Nothing makes you more grateful for your health than getting over being sick.

Finn is turning out to be quite a big boy. 7 lb 13 oz was kind of hard for me to push out. We were pretty close to an emergency c-section especially with his heart rate dropping. Thankfully it all worked out, but that was intense. And thank goodness he was two weeks early, or he would have been even bigger!! Well he has continued to grow- he weighed 9 lb 14 oz at the doctor at 5 1/2 weeks). He is two months this Thirsday and I'm sure he's well over 10 lbs, if not much more. Just for comparison, Rose was 6 lb 10 oz at birth and was still only 8 lb 14 oz at her 2 month appointment! Boys are just big! She wore newborn diapers and clothes for like 3 months, Finn is in size 1 diapers and is outgrowing his newborn clothes.

We went to Disneyland last week and will probably be going often this year. Rose was just in awe! She couldn't believe all these favorite people were in the same place!!! Mickey, Minnie, Ariel, goofy, Pluto, Cinderella... Wow! It was so fun for me and Raimo to see it all again through her eyes. She asks me now when we get into the car if we can go to Disneyland. Hopefully soon!

Friday, April 4, 2014


My hair is fragile. Soon it will be coming out in clumps like little clods of grass at a soccer game. My body has been through the war, but it fought the good fight. Seven weeks postpartum, I can sit, I can move; the stitches are gone, but my soul isn't stitched up yet and I am coming undone. And the meals have stopped coming! I'm sucked dry of all my nutrients to plump up this bouncing baby boy. Depleted. Skin feels thirsty. Face has a sagging feeling. Eyelids feel the weight of 50+ nights of interrupted sleep, preceded by months of fatigue. Lightheaded. This morning I woke up with something on my mind and it stayed on my mind all day. Distracted. Tears came today and I had no say in the matter. That old alone feeling. I held a sleeping baby, but for me, sleep would not come. Only hot tears. Could have, should have, would have. I need to remember to write that check. The house is messy. What's that phrase? "Cleaning can wait... Today I will hold my babies".. You know the one. My relationships are thin. And that makes me sad. I am not myself these days. My life is not my own. Change is hard. 

Tonight I decluttered my house in a whirlwind, in an effort to cleanse my brain. Make dinner, fill bellies, put jammies on those bellies and get them to bed, fold 3 loads of laundry, move those toys to their rightful places, empty dishwasher, fill dishwasher, switch that dirty sheet, move this clutter here, put those magazines over there, think about that thing I need to do and forget as I notice another unfinished task on the way.
There are pieces missing and there are sad thoughts and what ifs and feelings of regret and loss and guilt for not being enough for my children. I am tired and that makes emotions run high, just barely under the skin. The same skin that feels droopy and grey. The same skin that is calm and collected before everyone else. 

Some more crying- not mine. I change the sheet again.

**good thing it is General Conference weekend**
***good thing I'm making pancakes tomorrow***
**** sorry for the downer. this post is just keepin it real. Tomorrow I'll write something nice. Nicer. Or something.****